What an Awesome Dinner and Noah Kahan's New Album Have Me Thinking About: What is "Spoiled" and Why is it Bad?

In the last couple of weeks, I have experienced two VERY unrelated things that resulted in me asking myself the same question- as both an adviser and a parent- what is “spoiled” and why is it bad?

A lovely dinner with friends

From time to time at JFG, we will strategically pull together clients and prospects and take the group to dinner. We tend to choose some version of a tasting menu dinner with the dual goal of an appreciative experience and a conversational setting. I was lucky enough to attend one of these dinners a few weeks ago, and at my table of ten, the conversation turned to a common topic, the universal fear of raising spoiled children. The conversation was robust, vulnerable, self-reflective, emotional and powerful. It is clearly one of those topics that has wide appeal: something emotionally resonant without easy answers. I walked away feeling blessed to be part of it.

Noah Kahan’s Spoiled

Noah Kahan is an artist that very few people had heard of five years ago that is now selling out stadiums. The album that led to his fame was titled Stick Season which contained songs about his guilt of wanting to leave his rural home in Vermont. A few weeks back, Kahan released his newest album: The Great Divide. The unifying theme of this album is his coming to grips with his success. One of the songs that explores this transition is called Spoiled. In it, Kahan laments the exhaustion of the life he has created for himself; touring and writing himself to death. But he is willing to do so to allow his children to be “spoiled” which Kahan defines as a life where they can enjoy his resources without the same type of exhaustion he is suffering with.

What is Spoiled?

On the night after the dinner, I was sitting out on my patio listening to Noah’s album and, as I was listening to Spoiled, an epiphany hit me. Noah Kahan was not defining the word “spoiled” with the traditional, negative connotation. A line from the song is illustrative: he is willing to work himself to literal misery “just so my children get spoiled when they get old.” Kahan is willing to sacrifice his happiness and comfort by working hard so that his children can maximize theirs through not having to work at all. In other words, Noah Kahan’s goal is to raise purposefully unproductive children.

This caused me to think about the dinner conversation. All ten people at the table shared a common parental value: not wanting to raise spoiled children. And the conversation on the “why” of that belief started where these conversations almost always do, no one wanted a child with a narcissistic sense of entitlement. A first generation business owner summed it up well using colorful language: “I don’t want to raise an a……le.”

As an adviser to successful people, this is not a unique conversation for me. It is common, particularly for first generation wealth generators, to worry about the moralistic components of entitlement. But then the conversation took a very interesting turn. None of us were worried that we were raising entitled brats; everyone felt they had “good kids.” And no one was particularly concerned about raising lazy children; as we talked about our kids, all were accomplished in some meaningful way. Instead, what we began to discuss was our deepest parental fear: that we had stolen grit from our children that, based on “lesser circumstances” our childhoods have given us. As one person said “I sincerely believe I am successful not despite my terrible childhood, but because of it. I learned to fight and count only on myself. That is why I am successful and I worry that my children cannot fight and never count on themselves.”

So that night on the patio drinking a glass of wine, I started really contemplating this idea; a question that I get weekly from clients. Can I raise strong, resilient, gritty children if I prevent them from facing abject fear? Or does Noah Kahan have the right idea: what caring person would want their loved ones to suffer from fear if it could be avoided? Interestingly, the research is mixed. Certainly, the research is consistent that there are negative correlations between happiness and narcissistic entitlement among children raised in wealthy families. And there is also compelling research, with the Vanderbilt family being a great example, of the destructive results of a misalignment of spending and financial resources.

But when it comes to the issue of comparative happiness between children who are professionally and financially motivated and those who have their needs met by others, there is very little compelling research that one is happier or more fulfilled than the other. Stated another way, there is almost no evidence that success causes fulfillment (or even that the two are positively correlated). Some children raised in the “Kahan” way are statistically happy even without professional purpose; others are clinically depressed. Likewise, some children raised with a work ethic requirement find it fulfilling while others find it exhausting.

So, what is the answer?

The answer is to ask the right question. Because spoiled has no cogent meaning or even connotation, it is empirically foolish to worry about raising spoiled children. The research would say not to raise a behavioral narcissist or a financial fool. But if you do not make that mistake, the key is to focus on values. Because the research is equally clear that a critical predictor of happiness is to live in alignment with values. Stated another way, Noah Kahan values comfort and peace for his loved ones. He will therefore intentionally raise children who seek comfort and peace. Providing financial resources to facilitate a comfortable and peaceful life should lead to happy Kahan children. Likewise, for my business owner dinner companions, if they value industry, they will intentionally raise children who likewise value productivity and, when financial resources are employed to facilitate productivity (money for education and entrepreneurship for example), the children should be happier.

So, what is the right question? What do you believe leads to a happy and fulfilled person and what have you done to instill those values in those you want to impact? Once instilled, how are you using your resources (money, time, energy, creativity) to positively impact those you care about the most? What is working and not working? If we ask ourselves those questions as parents and advisers and then align actions to beliefs, research would indicate that our probability of raising “good kids” goes up materially.