Why one 69-year-old woman initiated a 'gray divorce'

By mid-2022, Mary knew she needed to leave her husband of almost 20 years.

While she and her soon-to-be-ex-husband still have a cordial relationship, Mary—who asked that her last name be withheld to talk freely about her divorce in the midst of the proceedings —says they began to have increasingly polarized political views over the past few years, and she didn’t feel at home anymore with him or among their community. She took about a year to think through the decision and shore up her finances, and last November, the couple separated.

 “I just realized, I had no joy in my life,” Mary says. “I have this sense of guilt that every woman I’ve ever met has had. I feel responsible for his happiness. But then there came a day where I thought, I have 10 years, maybe 15—I’m going to do it.”

It wasn’t an easy decision. Mary is 69 and hasn’t worked full-time in years because of a disability. She would be left without much in the way of income aside from her monthly Social Security payments and whatever she receives in the settlement. She also didn’t want to blindside her partner, whom she still cares for, and she feared the stigma associated with being twice divorced (she separated from her first husband in the early 2000s). At a time when many couples are happy to be child-free and enjoying newfound freedom after leaving the workforce, Mary was opting for instability and chaos.

But like many women over 50 who seemingly have everything to lose, Mary pushed forward with the divorce anyway. “Gray divorce”—the term for separations that occur over the age of 50—is skyrocketing in the U.S., with older couples separating at twice the rate they did in the 1990s (the rate is triple for those over 65). And in heterosexual relationships, the vast majority of them are initiated by Gen X and baby boomer women, who typically have far more on the line financially than their male partners. In fact, one study found women who divorce after 50 experience a 45% decline in their standard of living, while men see theirs drop by 21%. Around 20% of women become impoverished in the year after a divorce, according to the Census Bureau, compared with 11% of men.

Mary knew she’d be sacrificing stability and a beautiful home with a hand-tended garden for her happiness. She’s now living in a rented room in her first husband’s house (they remain friends) while she and her second spouse work out the details of their split, like divvying up retirement accounts and whether she’ll receive spousal support. Almost a year after they separated, Mary is ready to sign the papers and officially move on. But one issue in particular has stalling the proceedings: What happens to their home?

‘It’s the only way either of us can move forward’

Mary and her ex have now discussed at least four different plans when it comes to splitting assets, including the house they own in Virginia. Purchased in 2014, it’s grown in value considerably over the years alongside their other investments; comps put the value at just over $1 million.

Financial experts say it’s not unusual for the house to be one of the major holdups in gray divorce proceedings. A home is, of course, more than a place to live. It’s filled with memories and mementos, and there are emotional connections in addition to financial concerns. Mary mentions that though this doesn’t apply to her (she didn’t raise her children in the current home), many older women, especially, feel a special connection because they have their identity tied up in the family home, where they performed most of their labor over the years— often for decades.

But it is usually imperative to sell the home postdivorce, says Kelly Mould, senior vice president and financial advisor at Johnson Financial Group. Many older couples own them outright or have significant equity built up, making them the couple’s most valuable assets. Even if one partner wants to stay in the home, he or she might not be able to afford the payments, taxes, upkeep, and so on.

“Often you will see parties go to great lengths to try to retain the property, even when it’s not a good financial move,” says Mould. “Having a good attorney and financial advisor can usually make this an easier decision…They present those options without the sentimentality that can run afoul of financial logic.”

Unless the couple can come to an agreement on their own, many courts will require the sale of the home in a divorce, says Mould (though this differs from situation to situation and state to state). That said, she says courts are increasingly accepting “unique” arrangements, like shared plans that give each partner access to the property—like a vacation home—at different times of the year.

“A court may entertain a creative option. However, if it doesn’t work, the court most often defaults to a plan that closes the case,” says Mould.

Mary and her soon-to-be-ex are still working out what makes the most financial sense, although she will not be living there again. While she will miss the small things—her gardens, the fireplace she designed in the living room, the grocery store whose aisles she’s memorized over the years—she doesn’t want it. Given how much home prices have appreciated in recent years, they are trying to work out a way to lessen the tax bill on a potential sale, which is slowing down the process.

“There’s not a plant I didn’t plant there thinking it would be there forever,” she says. But “our house, it would give us good equity if we just sliced it right in half. It’s the only way either of us can move forward financially.”

That said, she can’t live in her first husband’s home long term and is worried about being able to afford her own apartment with her Social Security payments and whatever she gets from the divorce settlement. Mould says parents moving in with their adult children is increasingly common among gray divorcées, and that’s what Mary hopes will happen. Right now, she is looking for a home with one of her sons and his wife. They are seeking an in-law suite for her to live in, and she would contribute what she’s able to. But given how high home prices across the country have spiraled, Mary isn’t optimistic.

Despite all of the headaches and life-changing decision after life-changing decision, Mary said she doesn’t regret her new direction. She has community to lean into—her sons, siblings, best friend, and first ex-husband have all rallied around her—and has gotten back to her first love: writing.

“People keep telling me I’m brave,” she says. But if there is one thing she could communicate to other women weighing the pros and cons of a later-in-life divorce, it is that “you can be happy now. It’s your turn. That’s pretty profound for me, that’s a bit of a mantra now. Even if you give up the house and the easy chair with the shape of your butt, it’s so comforting.”

As seen on forture.com